She sat across from me as she explained her story.
This incredible young woman (23 yrs young) had single handed created an amazingly, brilliant piece of software that was a testament to her intellect, creativity and downright tenancy. What was even more shocking to me was that she had done this under a veil of secrecy even from her partner and her family. She was playing small to keep herself safe. Attempting to fly under the radar without being seen. There was still some deep seeded anger and resentment seething below the surface. She flew the flag of “Just you watch, I’ll show you”
I listened carefully to her story through out our catchups.
I ear marked very carefully the numerous incidences of harassment, bullying and dogma of society, school and family that had lead this girl to this point in time. Because of her intelligence….she stood out. Because of uniqueness…she stood out. Because she stood out, she was harassed and bullied to such a degree that her flame had grown very small. Such is the typical pattern of behaviour for the tall poppy (or individual doesn’t fit the very narrow mould of ‘normal and socially accepted’ within a peer group) here in Australia.
She had sort me out for guidance, to help develop and grow her confidence and wellbeing so she could step fully into this project and her own spotlight. A business coach with a difference. A mindset mentor to help release what were the anchors holding her back.
As a business and mindset coach I continued to be shocked and surprised at how many incredibly talented and magnificent individuals play small. How many believe they are not good enough and they don’t belong. And because of all these things they won’t be loved. How many of us adapt unhealthy behaviours and habits to compensate and verify ourselves? We seek out food, social media, alcohol, over work and exercising to fill a void and seek comfort when the discomfort rumbles to the surface.
Imposter Syndrome/Phenomenon is a bit of buzz phrase at the moment, but it aptly describes some of things that this young client was dealing with.
What is Imposter Syndrome?
Impostor syndrome is a feeling of inadequacy that stems from a belief that you don’t belong. That you don’t have the right skills. That one day, everyone will see that you’re just not good enough. It can cause anxiety, unhappiness, and fear of failure.
Rather than crediting innate skills, people with impostor syndrome credit luck or help from others. The belief that you can develop new skills with hard work and dedication is an indication of a growth mindset – normally a positive thing. But the feeling of being an impostor can destroy any ability to take credit for success, making overcoming impostor syndrome a must for anyone who wants to reach high levels of achievement.
Impostor syndrome can be self-perpetuating: Those who feel inadequate may over-prepare. When the event goes well, they then become convinced that all the preparation was necessary, which reinforces the impostor syndrome. And if the event doesn’t go well, impostor syndrome worsens even more.
Some Hints on How to Overcome it
- Focus on your strengths
Make a written list of all the things you’ve accomplished. Be honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses and write them down as well. Be specific about the value and expertise you bring to your workplace or to your relationships. Not sure of your strengths? Ask your coach or a friend or professional colleague
- Reframe your experience
Once you identify the experiences that are triggering impostor syndrome, you can reframe the problem as a challenge or an opportunity to learn something new. Think of times in the past that you’ve dealt with a similar situation successfully. Think about positive feedback you’ve received that contradicts your feelings of inadequacy. Remember that others aren’t better than you – they just have the right tools in their toolbox. As a coach I consistently reflect back to the client the facts of the situation.
- Let go of perfectionism
While it may seem like perfectionism is a positive thing, the truth is that it doesn’t leave any room for growth. Overcoming impostor syndrome means accepting that you will make mistakes. You will fail. Stop trying to be perfect and start living your life!
- Own your accomplishments
You know your strengths. You’ve identified your limiting beliefs and transformed your self-talk. Now it’s time to start taking credit for your accomplishments. Speaking up indicates your expertise, and the more you do it, the more confident you will feel. It creates a positive feedback loop straight to your brain, making you feel less like an impostor with every accomplishment.
- Talk about it
Remember, you’re not alone. 80% of people experience imposter syndrome. There are plenty of people who are curious about how to deal with impostor syndrome. Develop a support system by talking to your friends and family about how you’re feeling. Using a coach can help provide you with a professional perspective on your situation.
To Action – Tell a new Story….Some Incantations to try each morning in the car of shower. Same them out loud, with some strong emotion.
I AM (YOUR NAME)
NO ONE WILL EVER WALK THIS WORLD JUST LIKE ME – I AM COMPLETELY UNIQUE.
NOW IS MY TIME TO STEP INTO THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE.
I AM AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ENOUGH JUST AS I AM
I AM LEARNING/GROWING AND ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES
NOW IS MY TIME
I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED INCREDIBLE THINGS IN MY LIFE AND I DESERVE TO BE SEEN AND HEARD
I KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THIS SITUATION, I HAVE BEEN HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL IN THE PAST
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS
Where to now…..
Being able to show awareness of what is going on is half of the problem solved. Accepting the situation as it is now, forgiving the past and then deciding how it is that you want to show up from this moment forward both empowers and frees you from the past.
You are the one in the driver’s seat of your life.
It’s time to play big, time to step out chains of the past, time to shine kiddo.
And NOW is a great time to start.
Cindy xx
